Family conflict

Family conflict after someone dies. Emotions, arguments, and disputes.

• Family conflicts happen a lot. Even after the death of a loved one. It will be very painful. And bitter.
• Unfortunately, many of these conflicts never get resolved.
• It shows the harmful impact not only on the family dynamic but also on the person who is dying.
• Rebuilding family ties after a loss requires huge intentional effort.
• Instead, there may be recrimination, blame, arguments, taking of offence, silence.
• Losing contact with each other may simply happen, or there could be a definite decision to ignore some family members.
• Breakdowns occur from long-standing family rifts, a more recent dispute, and growing apart over time.
• If you feel a relationship matters and there are painful silences, unhealed hurts or other grievances following a family bereavement, this will only sadden you more in the long run.
• If death has taught us anything, it is that life is fragile and it is better to make peace while both of the injured parties are still living, as it is much harder to do this once one of us has died.A sudden or unexpected death is extremely hard to process emotionally.
• Sometimes it is not only a family who has died- you may feel that you have lost your whole family.

☐A phone call or a letter may be the first step we need to take. But who will do that?Before the death

☐Questions to ask: would your deceased loved one want all of this?

☐When someone dies it also happens against the background of their existing family relationships, tensions and disputes.

☐There is often a hope or even an assumption that everyone in the family will be able to support each other.

☐Sometimes the shared loss can bring people together, make them forget any differences, and even heal relationships.

☐Sometimes disputes and hurt feelings can have effects which go on for many years.

☐It is unrealistic to expect these to always go away after a bereavement. They are more likely to be heightened by the feelings of loss, and the practical issues that may have to be faced.

☐Lack of communication from months.

☐Apparent taking of sides.

☐You move between grieving and coping – between feeling the full pain of grief and focussing on managing practical tasks.Grieving, Support and Ongoing Remembrance

☐It may seem to others that a family member doesn’t care as much.

☐Other family members could be unable to cope with even simple tasks in daily life.

☐It might seem to others that they are avoiding things or not helping.

☐Difficult to support each other. But you and others are expected to be able to support each other.

Common disputes

DNACPR

Sibling disagreements frequently stem from unresolved feelings or guilt around medical decisions and life-support withdrawal.

If tensions arose over hospital decisions, remember that under UK law, [DNACPR and life-support decisions] are made by medical consultants, not family members.Before the death

Funerals

• People can disagree on what kind of funeral to hold.Janazah (Funeral Prayer)
• This is frequently a flashpoint, particularly when a loved one dies suddenly and no one in the family knows what the wishes of the deceased were.What Happens if You Die Without a Will? (The Rules of Intestacy)
• Families can find themselves arguing over what type of funeral to have, who is to be invited – and not invited.
• Who is to be responsible for organising it.
• How much to spend.Funeral Costs
• Who pays.
• Catering issues.Funeral Costs

Deceased possessions

• Some people feel that they need to move on and clear things out quickly.
• Others cannot bear the idea of making changes or letting go of someone’s clothes and possessions.Probate / Estate Administration/ Role of Executors

Wills and inheritance

• If the person who died had money or property to leave, people can have different ideas about what is fair, especially if they did not know the person’s plans were before they died.Before the death
• Disputes over possessions and property may involve money which some family members may rightly or wrongly have been counting on.
• Who gets what.Islamic Inheritance (Mirath)
• Why is the inheritance not being distributed straight away.Updating the property records held by HM Land Registry in England
• Conflicted roles between executors and family members.
• No wishes expressed, or no will at all.What Happens if You Die Without a Will? (The Rules of Intestacy)
• Contentious probate -legal disputes over the administration and distribution of a deceased person’s estate. Beneficiaries contest the validity of a will or wish to dispute the proposed distribution of assets.Probate / Estate Administration/ Role of Executors
• There are also secondary losses involved in loss of a home or shared possessions which can be very painful.Updating the property records held by HM Land Registry in England
• Even items with no financial value can sometimes have great emotional significance.
• Sometimes it is not actually about the money; rather, it is a way of remembering the one who has died and of holding on to their memory.
• Islamic distribution vs English Law distribution.Islamic Inheritance (Mirath)
• Apparent favouring of some charities or siblings.
• The selling price of the house.Updating the property records held by HM Land Registry in England
• How to handle debts and other financial obligations.Funeral Costs

Disputes between families

• Sometimes the person who died was part of more than one family or had children with different partners.
• Sometimes the one who died was the lynch pin of the greater family, the one who organised family gatherings or kept the disparate members in touch with each other. Now they are gone, who is going to take that role?
• Families can have hugely different ideas about any number of issues.
• There can be a spoken or unspoken idea that one set of people have more to say than others.
• There can be disagreements about who gets to make big decisions.Probate / Estate Administration/ Role of Executors
• Siblings’ rivalries come to the surface before and after someone dies as emotions become raw and things are said and done, which only serve to cause added stress to an already stressful situation.
• Individuals take sides.
• Over competitiveness. Family members can very easily revert back to childhood roles and behaviours.
• Dominant personalities.
• Previous family estrangement. individuals may bring a claim under the Inheritance Provision for Family and Dependents Act. https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1975/63
• Cultural differences can also play a role, as individuals prioritise different values and traditions during this emotional time.What Benefits the Deceased
• Whether a person is in a hospital, a hospice or at home, end-of-life care is always a delicate issue to discuss.End-of-Life Decisions: DNR & Life Support
• Family members will often disagree on who is to provide care, where and how this is to be given and when the time comes, who is to be responsible for taking decisions on behalf of the person needing care.Probate / Estate Administration/ Role of Executors
• Not every marriage survives the death of a child. Special Cases-babies, children, organs, converts

How to reduce emotional arguments and disputes after death

• Limit your exposure to people who upset you.
• Realise that some family members and friends are not your well-wishers.
• Keeping peace in your heart is your prime responsibility.What Benefits the Deceased
• Attend to your own mental, physical, spiritual and emotional well-being with strategies that work for you.
• Avoid old behaviours that don’t work.
• Be gentle with yourself and others.
• Each had a distinct relationship with the deceased, each of you is experiencing a unique loss.
• Try where possible to remember that people show grief in diverse ways, and that everyone is almost certainly hurting and experiencing difficult emotions.
• Take some time apart and come back together when things feel less raw.
• If possible do try to keep talking – a lot of disputes arise because people don’t know what’s happening, feel left out of the arrangements, or feel too much is put on them.
• Communicating how you feel and being open to listen. Not easy to implement.

☐ Sometimes family rifts do end up with one or both parties looking for legal advice.Probate / Estate Administration/ Role of Executors

☐ It is best to do this openly, in the hope it might help everyone understand the issues and open discussion, rather than making the conflict worse.

☐ You may be able to find someone to help you resolve your problems together sometimes called ‘mediation’.