“Before the death of a loved one realise that their mortal time is limited”
Be physically present
Make sure that you are available and contactable.
Make sure that your phone is kept silent or do not disturb.
Do your utmost to be with them in person.
It may be that they say that you don’t need to come to visit, as they don’t want to burden or shock you, or take you from your work.
They may downplay the extent of their illness – but still make your way to be with them.
Try to find transport that is as direct as possible and get there as soon as you can.
This will come at a cost financially, but money is something that comes and goes, but your family and the emotions attached to the decision you make do not.
If you have work, take time off and drop everything. This will require effort to coordinate with the relevant departments.
You will not sleep or eat well during this period.
Organise food rotas and food for everyone.
Ask if they want to send messages or video call people to particular people.
Estrangement from parents is the physical and emotional distancing or complete separation from them. Family members may have become estranged for various often unknown, unfounded reasons.
A family member will have to contact the estranged family member. Decide beforehand who will do this.
Give them hope
Remain positive in the face of the biggest trial they are facing.
Think positively about Allah.
You will no doubt be emotional yourself in this very difficult time.
Try your best to be brave and remember that this time is about them not you.
They come first.
Don’t do anything that may upset them further such as crying or arguing in front of them.
Help them sort out their affairs
It is crucial that at this point you make sure that everything is in place.
Ask them to sort out their inheritance.
Ask them to sort out their will.
Do they have a lasting power of attorney (LPA)? LPA is a legal document that lets the ‘donor’ appoint one or more people (known as ‘attorneys’) to help make decisions or to make decisions on their behalf.
Useful in case of accident or an illness and cannot make own decisions or lack mental capacity.
There are 2 types of LPA: Applying to register an LPA costs £92.
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney
1. Health and Welfare- daily routine washing, dressing, eating, medical care, moving into a care home, life-sustaining treatment.
2. Property and Financial affairs- gives an attorney the power to make decisions about money and property for donors- managing a bank account, paying bills, collecting benefits or a pension, selling a home.
The Rights of Allah.
Huqooq Allah Fulfil the Rights of your Creator first, and then give attention to the creation
Any outstanding obligations which can be made up for should be done so immediately.
Any missed fasts
The family should make any missed Zakat payments.
Hajj by proxy (Hajj Badal)
The importance of prayer
If the person is of sound mind, they can and should perform salah.
They can pray to the best of their ability by sitting down, lying down, or with their eyes
only.
If someone is unable to make wudhu with water, they can perform tayammum.
Detailed steps of tayammum
- Intention (Niyyah): Make an intention in your heart to purify yourself for prayer
(Salah). - Recite “Bismillah”: Begin by saying “Bismillah” (In the name of Allah).
- Strike the ground: Lightly strike the palms of both hands on a clean, dust-bearing
surface like sand, rock, or earth. - Dust your hands: Blow off any excess dust from your hands.
- Wipe your face: Using both hands, wipe your entire face from top to bottom, including
your eyebrows. - Wipe your hands: Wipe the back of your right hand with your left hand, from the wrist
to the fingertips. Then, wipe the back of your left hand with your right hand in the same
way. - Finish: Proceed with your prayer or other acts of worship.
Making Tawbah
Seeking forgiveness for our shortcomings and faults is something that is only possible
whilst we are alive.
Cleanse your heart from wrong intentions.
Encourage reciting the Shahadah before they die. However, it may be that they try and say it continuously and this is straining on the dying person.
Others’ personal rights. Huqooq Ibad
Responsibilities that we owe to other people.
We all have said and acted in ways, intentionally or unintentionally, causing harm and distress to others.
Asking others to pardon and overlook injury caused.
Do not have to specifically mention the act or statement, especially if this would cause further harm.
Help to heal old wounds before death.
Others’ financial rights.
Any unsettled debts should be repaid to lenders.
A sudden or unexpected death is extremely hard to process emotionally
How one reacts to the loss of a loved one differs depending on many factors including how
one is raised, what emotional support one has, and the nature of one’s relationship with them
when they were living.
You have no time to prepare for the loss and no opportunity to say goodbye.
Both your day-to-day life and your vision of your future are abruptly altered.
The loss comes as a huge shock.
Your sense of security and order may be shattered.
If the death was due to an accident or act of violence, you may feel unsafe.
If the person who died was young, you may feel that the natural order of the world has been upset.
A hole may be left in your life if the person who died was someone your cared deeply
about or depended on—a partner, parent, child, or sibling.
- You can feel that your life has lost purpose and meaning.
- You will miss the routines of regular phone calls, visits, and buying gifts.
- Unexpected emotions can overlap, creating a sense of powerlessness and confusion.
- Shock—The shock on learning of the loss can cause physical reactions, such as shaking or difficulty breathing.
- It might cause you to go quiet, scream, or moan.
- You may behave in ways that feel frightening.
- Numb –emotionally detached.
- Disbelief—You may have a hard time accepting that the person is gone and may speak of them as though they were still alive. You may wake up in the morning expecting them to be with you. This can leave you feeling bewildered, confused, upset.
- Difficulty performing even simple tasks—Your feelings of shock and sadness can make it difficult to carry on a conversation, prepare a meal, get dressed, or keep your home clean.
- “If only…” thoughts after a sudden loss to ruminate on how the death might have been averted. This can trigger feelings of guilt or anger.
- Anger – with the loved one for “leaving you”, anger with anyone or anything that has disappointed you in relation to the loss of your loved one– even angry with Allah (SWT).
- Guilt/blame – about things you wished you had done in relation to your family member when he/she was living, or guilty about not preventing the death, or that it was your fault. You may feel that you did not do enough, should you have been there more, you were a bad person.
- Severe depression- intense sorrow, and significant impairment in daily life that doesn’t improve over time.
- Strange Relief – that your loved one no longer has to suffer the illness.
- Obsession – by continually thinking about your loved one, things they did and things you did together.
- Fear – that you will forget them when the bereavement process is coming to an end because you no longer grieve as you used to do, which in turn can lead to a feelings of more guilt.
- Depression- painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.
- Tense.
- Defensive.
- Not wanting to talk about the loss.
- Intense and long-lasting grief.
https://www.bereavementadvice.org/topics/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/step-by-step-checklist/