18. Grieving, Support and Ongoing Remembrance
☐Religious questions you may ask: Why would Allah test us and allow them to suffer in horrible ways do this? Why can someone be well and healthy and gone the next? Advise you strongly to discuss this with others not hold this in.
☐The process of bereavement carries you back to the past, reminding you of all that you could have said or done, and this makes you feel depressed and lonely.
☐During the death of a loved one, we feel vulnerable, raw, numb, anguished, devastated, pain.
☐Heart shattering, shock, disbelief, anger, guilt. https://yaqeeninstitute.org/read/paper/coping-with-grief-a-spiritual-and-psychological-guide
☐Restless.
☐Poor sleeping.
☐Impaired concentration and focus.
☐Something is incomplete, something is missing. https://www.sakoon.co.uk/muslimmentalhealth/
☐Unable to cope.
☐I don’t know when I’ll be happy next.
☐You can’t believe they’ve gone. How is it possible. You miss them so much. Mum’s holding prematurely babies only two times. When they were born. And when they died in the arms a few days later.
☐If you witnessed the death, it is normal to experience a range of intense emotions and feelings for some time after the incident.
☐Sudden or unexpected death, for example a car accident, a heart attack, or other illness or accident will produce profound unsettling emotions.
☐It is possible to become preoccupied by invasive images and thoughts following a sudden or traumatic bereavement. nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, stomach aches and headaches.
☐Hearing or seeing things that are not there
☐Such thoughts may occur spontaneously, in a distorted form or manifest through dreams.
☐Children and young people may need extra support to help them cope with their grief. tantrums beyond what is expected for the age of the child, aggressive behaviour towards others including hitting, throwing objects, damaging property, or biting.
Ways to Cope and Grieve
☐Allow yourself time to heal- will take many long years, not days or months.
☐Sabr (Patience).
☐Recite Qur’an, make dhikr (remembrance), and Duas or supplications for the deceased.
☐Duas for yourself, your family, your loved deceased ones.
☐Encourage sadaqah jariyah (ongoing charity) in memory of the deceased.
☐Visit their grave.
☐It’s OK to feel down
☐It’s OK to cry
☐It is not anyone’s fault.
☐Don’t have guilt
☐Draw on your family and friends for support
☐Help family with any outstanding debts left behind.
☐Free yourself from grudges.
☐Forgive your deceased loved one for any wrongdoings they have done to you.
☐Don’t dwell in isolation.
☐Lean on family, friends, mosque, community for emotional and spiritual support.
☐Take care when you are in shock after learning of the loss. It’s easy to make mistakes when in shock.
☐Surround yourself with people who will keep you safe.
☐Avoid driving and other activities that require concentration.
☐Put off decisions that might have long-term consequences until you are able to think more clearly.
☐Allow yourself to feel what may be painful emotions. If it helps to cry, let yourself cry.
☐Pay attention to your emotions and accept them as genuine reactions to your loss. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/experiences-of-grief/
☐There are no “good” or “bad” emotions and no “right” or “wrong” ways to grieve.
☐Accept painful emotions as expressions to your love for the person who has died.
☐Pay attention to the emotions and needs of your children, too, if they have been affected by the loss. If, in your grief, you are unable to console them and attend to their needs, arrange for someone to be with them who can, such as a friend or family member.
☐ Hold on to light moments of happiness.
☐ OK to reminisce about special times, encourage family to share stories, and even add a little levity.
☐Occupy yourself.
☐Accept help and support. Friends, family members, and neighbours.
☐Keep a list of tasks that need to be done.
☐When someone asks how they can help you, refer to the list.
☐If it helps just to have someone with you, let people know that.
☐Share your thoughts and feelings with someone who will listen and be helpful. That might be a close friend or family member, or someone who has experienced a similar loss or trauma.
☐You may need to see an Imam, or a professional psychologist or counselor.
☐Be kind to yourself.
☐Listen to what your body is telling you.
☐Eat regular meals with healthy food, small snacks.
☐Drink plenty of water.
☐Try small exercise.
☐Get outdoors for walks or another form of physical activity.
☐Seek help if you are not sleeping. Try to keep to a regular sleep schedule.
☐Engage in activities you enjoy.
☐Practice stress-reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, when you feel tense or anxious.
☐Find a way to say goodbye that has a meaning for you and that helps you understand that the person is not there anymore.
☐Seek professional help from a psychologist or counselor, if you are concerned about or frightened by your thoughts and emotions, or if you feel that you are at risk of harming yourself.
☐Consider bereavement counselling or support groups (local, NHS, Islamic charities) Muslim Bereavement Support Service https://mbss.org.uk/contact-us/